Josh Aterovis is the author of the Killian Kendall Mystery Series as well as numerous columns and articles. Visit his site at http://www.steliko.com/bleedinghearts.

September 10, 2004

Family: It's the most basic unit of our society—and it's quickly becoming one of the most controversial aspects of the political, religious and social realms. What makes a family? How do we define it? Is one family more valid than another? Does one hold more value than another? What is a family?

As some of my readers may know, I come from a big family. I have three brothers; two sisters; aunts, uncles and cousins innumerable; and nineteen nieces and nephews—and those are just the ones I know of. There always seems to be people I've never seen before at family reunions. We quite possibly outnumber the entire population of some small countries.

Back in 2001, I wrote a column titled "Redefining Family". In 2002, I wrote a piece called "Family Value". "A Family Affair" came in 2003. Family, in one way or another, is a common theme in my writing, both my books and my columns. That's because from day one my parents ingrained into me the importance of family. Family connection was a vital part of my identity growing up. This is true for many people.

For gay people, however, this presents a special challenge. Many of us lose that connection to our families when we come out. I hadn't planned on coming out to my family when I did. My father cornered me and asked me directly, and, without thinking, I told him the truth. I wasn't emotionally ready and, for me, the aftershocks were devastating. My ultra-religious family first tried to "cure" me, and when that failed, they turned their backs on me. Some literally, others were more subtle. I found myself suddenly bereft of the one social group that I'd always thought would be there for me. I plunged into a deep, dark depression. Thoughts of suicide were never far. I even planned out the method and went as far as to get things ready before I lost my nerve. Thankfully, I got into counseling at that time, and went on antidepressants.

What is a family? As I slowly emerged from the clouds of depression, I suddenly found myself faced with the challenge of redefining family. For most of my life up to that point, family was the group of people you were born into, the ones to whom you were biologically related. Now, for the first time, I was seeing other possibilities. The supportive group of friends that I had slowly built around me was fast becoming my new family, with my then boyfriend Jon at the center. This new family, this chosen family, loved and accepted me for who I was. That was something I desperately needed. At the time, I thought, "This is my new family, and we'll stay this way forever." Five years later, I realize that family is a process of evolution.

People have come and gone over the years. Some simply moved away and we remain in touch with them, others are gone for good. Some of my biological family came back into my life; a few only to walk back out again. We've added new family members, while other relationships have changed. In the past year alone, we gained several new friends who quickly became family, while others said good-bye. Jon, now my husband, remains the one constant, stabilizing and centering me. Our extended family may be continually changing, but we always have each other. Jon and I are a family.

This evolution of family is not unique to me, however. Society as a whole is constantly redefining the concept of family. Fifty years ago, the nuclear family consisted of a father, a mother, and two-point-five children. Today we have blended families, broken families, single-parent families, and yes, even LGBT families. There is a disturbingly large segment of our society who believes that these new perseptions of family, especially those headed by gays and lesbians, are not as valid as the traditional model. They'd like to deny the rights of some of these families. The president has even made this an important election year wedge issue. The matter has become so important that the courts are now attempting to answer the question: What is a family?

Many states are struggling to with their definitions. Some have opted to give recognition to LGBT families by creating a special class such as the civil unions of Vermont or the domestic partnerships of California and New Jersey. So far, only Massachusetts has acknowledged LGBT families as equal to that of heterosexuals, although some lower courts in the state of Washington recently declared that not allowing gays and lesbians to marry is unconstitutional under state law. The case will now go to the state's Supreme Court. Many other states have passed laws making same-sex marriages illegal within their borders, some going so far as to outlaw any and all legal recognition of same-sex couples. That last bit is now part of the official Republican platform. Not only does the "Grand Old Party" support and seek a Federal Marriage Amendment to make marriage between one man and one woman only, but they also wish to deny any type of legal recognition for LGBT families.

What is a family? As more and more people face this question, it has become more vital than ever that we speak up and help people see the validity and importance of our families. We need to show them that all families have value, not just the ones that look like Ozzie and Harriet. If our families are more visible, then it might not be so easy to deny our rights and existence.

In the end, there are as many different types of families as there are people who make them up. Despite whatever laws may or may not pass, no one can define your family except you. Legally, the only family I have is those to whom I am related to by blood. In my heart, however, my family is very different. It consists of those I have chosen to call my family and who have chosen to call me theirs. While President Bush or the Republicans—or even many in my own biological family—may not see my family as being equal to theirs, to me it's worth more than all the oil in Texas.

That's my family.