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Provided courtesy of Reverend Rebecca Armstrong (www.revreb.com)

I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself?
Will you travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other
as long as we live?  Walt Whitman

Love knows no boundaries.

Love knows no boundaries of race, class, age or gender - it is sad that our contemporary culture still insists upon seeing them. However, the yearning to consecrate true love in a ceremonial way is so deep and so natural, that no amount of societal disapproval can hold back the tide. The growing numbers of same-sex couples who are ritualizing their relationships with commitment ceremonies is an indication that we are moving towards that happy day when there will be no form of love "which dare not speak its name".

The ritual of a Commitment Ceremony fulfills both the deeply private need to feel more closely bonded with the beloved, and also satisfies the desire to share your joy with friends and family - to declare your love in a public forum and receive the embrace and support of your community. Becoming fully participatory and conscious of the inner meanings of the rituals you choose to use or discard at this important event, can set the tone for years to come. Creating new forms for the universal desire to share one's life with another, expands the minds and hearts of all who witness it, and ultimately overturns old prejudices and makes more room for the many faces of Love.

Both the Unitarian-Universalist Association of Congregations and the Humanist Society of Friends (the two religious organizations with which I am affiliated) have publicly announced their support of gay and lesbian marriages and encouraged their clergy to officiate at Commitment Ceremonies for same-sex couples. In many cities across the U.S.A. these long-term committed relationships are receiving official sanction in the form of legal rights extended to the partners. These rights often include health benefits, housing privileges, insurance coverage, etc. Check with your employer, university or city official to see if these new laws affect you. I keep a record of all commitment ceremonies I perform which may help in establishing the legitimacy of the relationship in the eyes of the law.

The structure of a good ritual allows sufficient time and space for the emotions to be honored and for the psyche to make the transition from one place (that of being "single") to a new chosen place (that of being a member of a "couple"). This Ceremony Template suggests ways in which this can be gracefully and powerfully accomplished.

"Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people. "Giordano Bruno 16th century heretic burned at the stake for teaching that the earth revolved around the sun

I have a deep commitment to support the rights of all persons to express the depth of their love in formal and legal engagement in the tradition of marriage. It is my belief that the current opinions against gay marriage are as unjust as the old anti-miscegenist laws in the southern states which prohibited marriage between persons of different races. The same principle which overturned those outmoded laws will eventually overturn today's laws against same-sex marriage, for we are forever moving towards greater recognition of the Soul's profound yearning for freedom and expression of its joys.

"The issue is whether the majority may use the power of the State to enforce these views on the whole society through operation of the criminal law. Our obligation is to define the liberty of all, not to mandate our own moral code." Supreme Justice Kennedy in the majority opinion which struck down anti-homosexuality laws in Texas
Template for a Ceremony

Setting the scene: the opening ambiance, the tone, color, mood..

What is the space that the guests will be in? (setting) What will they be looking at? (decorations/flowers) What will they be hearing? (pre-ceremonial music) Will the honored elders be ushered in and given special seating? Who will be greeting guests as they arrive? Will there be a guest book to sign? Something to carry into the ceremony? A printed Order-of-Service? [These first four elements are in necessary order, though much personalizing can be done with them.]

Call to Attention: drawing the focus.

How will you alert guests that the ceremony is about to begin? Change of music/lighting/scenery/gong/bells/vocalist/entrance of minister/silence?

Processional: entrance of the supporting and main characters in the sacred drama.

Will there be traditional figures: the flower girls/boys (youthful innocence), ring bearer, attendants (those who literally and metaphorically "stand up" for you)? Is the couple leaving the bosom of their childhood families; hence the need for symbolic departure - "giving away" - or are they already independent adults, giving a graceful nod or embrace of appreciation to parents? Was there a significant person who brought the couple together? Music is the ideal container for gathering the joyful energies at this moment. Choose something that really has deep significance for you.

Welcome: the celebrant/minister gives voice to the unspoken energies ...

... proclaiming this "time-out-of-time", dividing the sacred from the profane, opening the way for hearts and minds to be fully present and participatory, setting all at ease...

Setting Sacred Space: symbolic gesture, made tangible by making it visual ...

... delineation of sacred space may take many forms: closing of the doors, lighting of the candles, spreading of the petals, ringing of the bell, laying of a circle of flowers, sprinkling the ground with water, salt or earth, calling in the four directions, invoking the spirits, etc.

[The next four elements can be re-arranged in many different ways, or added to, changed or deleted if desired]

The Word: readings of favorite poetry, literature, original verse, prayers, lyrics ...

... sung or spoken - tributes from friends or family members. You may want several readings or songs interspersed with the following segments.

The Image: Centering metaphor of relationship made visible.

Love as bringing of individual flame of life into shared Fire (lighting of unity candle); Partner for life's joys and sorrows (sharing of the wine, the bitter and the sweet); Companion for life's Journey (breaking the bread together); Binding of two souls (tying of the hands with golden cloth); the Harmony of two souls as one (joining in shared song); Commitment as Covenant (signing of names on parchment or in a holy book); Marriage as Building of shared life (stepping over a threshold or under a canopy or into a circle of ribbon, flowers); Sacred Union as the sowing of seed (planting seeds or special plants in shared container which friends and family can add water to).

The Blessing: Sharing of thanks to and from the couple and their family and friends.

Offering of roses to the parents; exchanging of the First Gift; song of blessing from guests to couple; tribute to the ancestors, including family members recently departed whose memory is important to this occasion; kiss of Peace from Wedding Party to guests; offering to the land or the spirits; [If there are children from a former marriage, this is an ideal time to bring them forward for a special set of vows and acknowledgment of the new family they will become!]

The Reflection: a chance for the minister to reflect back ...

... to the couple the impressions gained about them during conversation; words of wisdom, challenge, encouragement.  [The last four elements work best - for dramatic reasons - if followed in this order, though variations can be done.]

The Vows

Fashioned by the couple to be most expressive of their own beliefs and aspirations (see website pages for ideas) Vows can be memorized and recited to each other; read from the minister's book; or repeated line by line after the minister.

The Rings

If rings (or some other permanent token) are exchanged, the minister can say a few words about the symbolism of the ring/token and its particular meaning for the couple; if rings are not exchanged, the couple join hands while the minister gives the benediction and pronouncement.

The Benediction

The benediction can be silent, or can be a prayer/poem which best expresses the hopes of the new couple, and the power they call upon (from within or without, natural or divinely transcendent) to grace their union..

The Pronouncement

The words of the pronouncement simply proclaim them to be beloved friends / life partners / true companions .. and the first married kiss then follows.

The Recessional

The energy which has been building throughout the service needs to be released in joy. This can be accomplished in many ways. There is a natural tendency for guests to want to burst into applause upon seeing the couple kiss - this is a fine ending; like a burst of thunder and rain as the clouds part. A similar outpouring of emotion can be channeled through the ringing of small bells and chimes (which each guest has been given at the beginning of the ceremony) or the blowing of bubbles, release of balloons, doves, butterflies, etc. or, the desire to applaud can be held at bay long enough for the minister (or someone else) to say: Will the guests please rise and welcome the new couple: ________ ! Then the cheering begins!  [There may be postlude music as the guests leave the ceremony grounds and move towards the reception]

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