Parenting with Style: Why You Might Clash with Your Child
Copyright 2004, Dr. Caron B. Goode

Every morning, six-year-old Josh and his mom clash at breakfast
just as Mom is ready to walk out the door. A daydreamer by
nature, Josh moves through life at a slower pace than his
task-oriented mom who values organization. Their distinct ways
of relating to the world reveal their obviously different
personal styles.

A "personal style" is a natural predisposition toward time,
stress, people, tasks, and situations. Understanding a child's
style enables parents, caregivers, and teachers to interact more
effectively and get results. Researcher, Terry Anderson, Ph.D.
notes four style categories: behavioral, cognitive,
interpersonal, and affective.

When parents can communicate and interact in ways that fit their
children's unique styles, there is harmony in the home. Both
parents and children develop confidence and self-esteem.

A Constant Through Life

Personal style is only one of six factors that make up
personality; it's a foundation for one's preferences, reactions,
and values. It remains a constant throughout life. The chart
below provides an easy way to "picture" the differences in the
four styles, followed by brief descriptions and suggestions for
interacting with your children.

_________________________________________________________________

Style Name Preference for.. Limited with.. Best Learns..

1.
Behavioral Tasks\things People\social Independently
2.
Cognitive Data\information Tasks\things Visually
3.
Interpersonal People\social Ideas\creativity Aurally
4.
Affective Ideas\creativity Data\numbers Experientially

Source: Robinson, Everett, T. Why Aren't You More Like Me? Styles
& Skills for Leading and Living with Credibility. Seattle:
Consulting Resource Group International, Inc. 1997. p. 30
_________________________________________________________________

1. Behavioral Style

Behavioral children need freedom and self-expression; they enjoy
structure but not controls. They prefer to learn by themselves
rather in a group. They look to real-life examples rather than
abstract thinking or discussions. Rising to their challenges
as problem-solvers, they're often bold, willful, productive,
competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. They like to be
leaders and recognized for their achievements. When they feel a
parent's incongruence, they question authority. These children
rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead, they set
goals and take the necessary actions to reach them.

Parenting communications for Behavioral-style children: These
children need a no-blame, non-emotional approach. Be fair, open,
logical, honest, and direct. To get tasks done, give them the
task, state the benefit or reward, and ask them when and how
they can do it. Don't stand over them or try to direct their
activities. Instead, set the structure for this child, and
expect it to be done without having to explain the 'why' of
it. If you're an emotional or touchy-feely parent, don't take
it personally if this child doesn't respond in kind.

2. Cognitive Style

Cognitive-oriented children need affirmation and understanding.
They take instruction well, admiring expertise and knowledge.
Yet they are deep thinkers, and like to examine issues and
relationships. Respectful of others, they appreciate respect
in return. They value intimacy and good relationships. They
work well with data, are organized, and can be perfectionists.
Because their talents lie in numbers and mathematics, they
often spend hours at their computers.

Parenting communications for Cognitive-style children:

Heart-to-heart appreciation and respect work best. State facts
calmly ("you didn't clean your room today") rather than argue
or make generalities ("you never clean your room."). Because
cognitive children prefer not to compete and might not respond
to rewards or games, lay out activities and then provide time and
freedom for children to complete them. Make only constructive
suggestions. As perfectionists, they'll criticize themselves
enough without a parent's help.

3. Interpersonal Style

Interpersonal-style children need appreciation and trust.
Highly perceptive, they require honesty in communication and
relationships. They are the peacemakers in your family, and will
worry about you if there are arguments or illnesses. Sometimes
shy, they like to feel included in the family. They value secure
relationships and stable environments, and don't fare well with
transitions unless prepared beforehand. These children feel
disharmony deeply and might internalize it. They're often
employed in service businesses because they are people-focused.

Parenting communications for Interpersonal-style children:

Friendly conversations and clear communications that don't
threaten or punish are advised. They listen well. Model behavior
for them, as they'll hear and watch you. Solve problems together,
each contributing to the solution. Present tasks so that success
can be measured easily before progressing to graduated stages of
difficulty. Don't present the hardest problem first; or children
may feel overwhelmed and won't finish it. Appreciate these
children often, and they will feel great about themselves.

4. Affective Style

Like Josh, these children are highly creative and artistic;
later in life, they're called visionaries or dreamers. They need
to feel through things before making decisions. They easily live
in the world of ideas as a writer does, or find other expressive
outlets like organizing games around friends. They enjoy variety
and get bored easily. They crave acknowledgement for their
creativity. They want to be the center of attention. They value
friendships and easily enjoy life. They learn by doing.

Parenting communications for Affective-style children:

Give these children affection, touch, conversation, and personal
attention. Share stories about life, and look at photo albums.
Engage them in group activities; they'll rise to challenges
when presented with excitement and fun. These children love
outings, family vacations, and new experiences.

Allow them to be creative, offer structure and discipline
positively and enthusiastically. Encourage them in projects
involving drama, theater, group activities, peer counseling,
and selling for fund raising. Good luck asking these kids to
take out the garbage!

How can Josh's mom communicate better with her affective-style
son? Applying her organization skills, she can develop a colored
chart showing scheduled times for Josh's activities. She sets a
clown-face timer for 20 minutes, the amount of time it takes to
share breakfast. When the buzzer sounds, she gets Josh to move
by gently touching his arm. That urges him to get ready before
leaving for school.

Dr. Caron Goode is a parenting expert who speaks and writes about how parents can nurture their children's gift. Go to http://www.InspiredParenting.net to order "Nurture Your Child's Gift, Inspired Parenting," and sign up for the online parenting magazine. To discover your personal parenting styles, click on the Four Tool Every Parent Needs.